Craftmatic Bed
Craftmatic Bed 'is the fourty-seventh prank call in the Crotchety Old Man Calls series. Transcript ''(ringback tone) 'Jeff: '''Yes, Craftmatic. ''(Milton's Craftmatic bed stalling) 'Milton: '''Oh! Thank God you've answered! Who is this?! '''Jeff: '''Uh, yes, this is Jeff. '''Milton: '''Jeff! I'm stuck in your freaking Craftmatic adjustable bed! ''(Craftmatic bed continues to stall) 'Jeff: '''You're what? '''Milton: '''I'm stuck in the Craftmatic adjustable bed! I'm all wedged up inside it right now-! ''(bed stalling noises continue) 'Jeff: '''What-uh, what are you do-are you, you can't get out? '''Milton: '''I'm stuck and all folded up around me like a clam! '''Jeff: '''Well, what's that noise? '''Milton: '''That's your stinking machine! It's all wedged up! '''Jeff: '''Well, stop pushing the button! '''Milton: '''I'm pushing the button to try and jar myself loose! What happened was, I guess the-! '''Jeff: '''Sir! Calm down. '''Milton: '''I guess the control pad is all defective...and it's all stuck! ''(bed stalling continues) 'Jeff: '''Well, stop pushing it! '''Milton: '''I-! '''Jeff: '''Calm down! '''Milton: '''I'm trying to break myself free! What the hell do I do? It's all closed up around me like I'm in a womb or something! ''(stalling noises continue) 'Jeff: '''Will you stop pushing the button?! '''Milton: '''I'm trying to break myself...free...from...this....death-! '''Jeff: '''Stop pushing the button! '''Milton: '''Okay! I stopped pushing the button! '''Jeff: '''How long have you been in there? '''Milton: '''I've been-! ''(Milton pushes mattress button again; stalling continues) 'Jeff: '''Stop pushing the button! '''Milton: '''I've been in here, for about, two hours now! Hey! It's starting to move a little bit! ''(stalling noises continue) 'Jeff: '''Stop pu-SIR! ''(Milton's face gets caught in the mattress, causing him to suffocate) '''Jeff: '''Sir, stop pushing the button! '''Milton: ''(muffled) It's-AH! It's all closed up around my face now! AHH! I can't breathe! AHHH! I-I can't breathe- ''(wails) Jeff: 'SIR! C-calm down... ''(stalling noises from bed continue) (Milton struggling to get out) 'Milton: '''AH! Oh-hold on! Ah! OK! '''Jeff: '''Stop pushing the button... ''(Milton gets his face out of the mattress; catches his breath) 'Milton: '''It just let go of my face. Now my body is still all wedged up inside it- ''(stalling noises continue) 'Milton: '''Now-now the unit; it's getting very hot! Oh- '''Jeff: '''Sir... '''Milton: '''It's starting to smoke a little bit! '''Jeff: '''Well, o-sir? ''(Milton's smoke detector goes off) 'Milton: '''Oh, wait! Oh my! '''Jeff: '''What's your number? '''Milton: '''It set off my smoke detector! '''Jeff: '''What's your number, sir? ''(fire ignites) 'Milton: '''Oh! I got a fire! '''Jeff: '''Okay, what's your number? I'll call 911. '''Milton: '''I got a fire! '''Jeff: '''Sir! '''Milton: '''AH! Let me-! ''(Milton pushes mattress button again; stalling noises continue) '''Milton: ''(grunting) '' Jeff: 'Hello?! Hello? Sir? '''Milton: '''What the hell are you people trying to do to me?! '''Jeff: '''If you do not stop pushing the button, I can't help you! Sir! '''Milton: '''Yes?! Oh, wait a sec! '''Jeff: '''What's your number? I'll call 911. '''Milton: '''Hold on! I got a fire extinguisher handy! Hold on! ''(Milton extinguishes the fire) 'Milton: '''Okay! The fire-I got the fire out. ''(groans) I- (stalling noises from bed continue) 'Milton: '''What the hell are you people trying to do at Craftmatic?! Kill all your elderly customers?! ''(stalling continues) 'Jeff: '''N-no-no, sir. I've never heard of this problem before... '''Milton: '''Well, you got a freakin' nightmare on your hands right now, and-! ''(mattress closes up around Milton, suffocating him) '''Jeff: '''Sir. Are you okay? '''Milton: ''(muffled) It's starting to close up around me! '''Jeff: '''Sir! '''Milton: '(muffled) ''I can't breathe- ''(suffocating) Jeff: '''Are you breathing? Sir? '''Milton: ''(muffled) I can't breathe... '''Jeff: '''Are y-are you okay? '''Milton: '(hacking and choking) Jeff: 'Sir! ''(Milton runs out of breath and faints) '''Jeff: ''(to co-workers) Someone...c-call the operator. We'll see if we're gonna have to try and trace this call! '''Milton: '(wheezing) 'Jeff: '''Sir! Sir? Hello? ''(Milton presumably dies) 'Jeff: '''Hello?- ''(ringback tone) Trivia * The Craftmatic Adjustable Bed is a bed built with an electric-powered mechanical frame that can have its position adjusted via a remote. Category:Prank calls